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Newby to group, not to cancer

Posted by beakmom @beakmom, Dec 29, 2017

I have recently been diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma. They found a tumor on my left tonsil spread to adjacent lymph nodes. Lymph nodes I know from. I have been fighting Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma since 1995. When we found the enlarged nodes in my left neck, we expected to find isolated lymphoma. Instead, even the doctor was stunned to find something completely different. So now I have a brand new shiny care team with different specialties. My first cetuximab infusion is next week. Radiation begins the following week. I am scared to death and really don't want to go through with it. When I was diagnosed with lymphoma, I was 36 years old; now I'm 58. Then I had no other conditions except arthritis and chronic depression. Now I have diabetes and congestive heart failure on top of the arthritis and depression. I just don't think I have the strength. But I'm too polite to dig my heels in and scream, "Stop! I don't want to do this!" Besides, my kids (3 adult) would never forgive me. Not to mention my boyfriend. So far, all I've had done to me is dental surgery where they removed all my back teeth in preparation for radiation. My teeth were wrecked by a stem cell transplant in 1998 and years of not being able to afford dental care. I am sick and perpetually tired, and I was those things long before I found out I really was sick and had reasons for fatigue. Seeing the tumor on my tonsil was reassuring. I finally had proof that I had a reason for not feeling well. I was also glad to find that the cancer wasn't in my esophagus.
This is pretty rambly, I know. Forgive me for not being quite coherent. Looking for advice, commiseration, virtual hugs, what have you. Thanks

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